Chicken Soup For the Ninja Soul

The following is an excerpt from my new book, "Chicken Soup for the Ninja Soul.”

Did you ever have one of those days? The type of day where everything seems to go wrong. Do you know what I’m talking about? It always takes 2 stabs to kill a guy. The blinding powder burns out only one of the retinas of the enemy guard. Your numchucks inflict pain, but deep down, you know you could have inflicted more. As ninjas, we like to call these days, Samurai Days.”

I had my Samurai Day back in January. It was my best friend Kenichi’s 30th birthday. He’s always been there for me, so I thought it would be a nice present if I killed his old high school rival. . .


LOTS OF HEARTFELT DETAILS . . . .


. . . .and that bow staff was shoved in there good. It would not budge. That guy would definitely have to have a closed casket funeral, assuming they could even close the casket door. I felt worthless. I left the temple and made my way back home, and you know what I found? A loving wife and a nice hot plate of lasagna. Who doesn’t love lasagna?

Favorite Ninja Children’s Books

1. The Little Engine That Could . . .Kill.
2. The Grinch Who Stole Christmas and How He Was Assassinated.
3. Where the Wild Things Are Hunted.
4. Goodnight Gorilla: Tonight You Die.
5. If You Give a Moose a Muffin, He Won’t Kill You.
6. The Velvateen Assassin.
7. Hirohito and the Purple Blow Gun.
8. Green Eggs and Hand To Hand Combat.
9. Ninja, Ninja, What Do You See?
10. The Giving Numchaku.

Panda Bear or Ninja Bear?

I use to think Pandas were hunted because of their soft coats and delicious meat. Then I saw this documentary footage and now know they were bounty hunted for their crimes against samurai. Pandas are the Anti-Samurites of the wild. Watch if you want to educate yourself you ignoramous.

Ninja Slogans

1. We Put The Sass In Assassination!

2. If We Kill Someone and You’re Not Satisfied, Then Shut Up. You’re Lucky To Be Alive . . . Dick.

3. Are You A Shurikan Or A Shurican’t?

4. Ninja Please.

5. Silent but Deadly.

6. God Said Thou Shalt Not Kill. Guess What? Ninjas Aren’t Jewish.

7. No Pain, No Financial Gain.

8. Killing Is Like Riding a Bike. If you Ride a Bike Into Someone’s Face Fast Enough, and With Enough Impact, They Will Die.

9. He Who Lives By the Sword Better Be Able To Kick Some Major Ass.

10. Ninja’s Don’t Sweat, They Glisten.

Ninja VS. Barney

When I was the president of PBS, I got so sick of people telling me,

"You can't make a children's show about ninjas. Ninjas kill people for money. What kind of a role model kills for money?"

Well a big thank you to Tony Moramoto for finding a show that proves them wrong.

Click this for Child Friendly Ninjas

I WANT MY NINJA TV

Television commercials use to make me want to break out my old high school varsity numchucks and beat some cathode ray tube. Then I saw this commercial and I found inner peace. And by "inner peace" I mean that this commercial is so bad-ass it makes me want to crap my pants. And by "crap my pants" I mean that I get so excited, I can't control my butt muscles and well, you get the picture.

Click this for Ninja Commercial

NINJA 101

The following is an introduction to some of the different types of ninjas on the earth.

1. Ninja Black – this is the classic ninja in black that is so deadly he could make a nuclear missle crap itself. Anyone with half a brain knows and fears this ninja.

2. Ninja White – dressed in all white, these ninjas blend into snow and ice. They were pivotal in the Ninja Eskimo Civil War of 1523.

3. Nina Red – These guys are the Ronald McDonald of ninjas and get their butts kicked all the time. How can you assassinate with stealth when you’re dressed like Santa Clause? The only red on a ninja should be the blood of his enemies. If you are being threatened by a ninja dressed in red, DO NOT BE AFRAID. This guy is an idiot.

4. Nunjas – These are the elite guard of the Vatican. Nuns were hand picked by the Pope and trained in the lethal arts of stealth and assassination. They’re deadly, smoking hot, and celibate. Just seeing them makes you want to kill yourself.

5. Halloween Ninjas – October 31 is the day when kids and adults dress in frightening forms like ghosts, zombies, and ninjas. You better hope this is the only ninja you ever see. If you’re looking at a real ninja, you’re already dead.