Famous Ninja Assassinations

1. The Dinosaurs – Scientists like to think their extinction was brought upon by a giant meteor colliding with the earth and kicking up enough debris to block out the sun and cause an ice age. HOW CONVENIENT. A giant meteor just happened to hit the earth. If you were to find every dinosaur bone on the planet and examine them closely, you would find they all had one thing in common. A perfect slice to the neck made by a small blade. There’s no convenience about it. It was hard work.

2. Pompeii – Historians want you to believe a volcano took out the island of Pompeii. Well what sounds more believable to you? That one stupid volcano melted an island, or that one badass ninja rained fiery arrows down on a city?

3. Julius Caesar – This guy wasn’t stabbed by 50 of his closest friends in 5 minutes. He was stabbed 50 times by one ninja in 2 minutes. Shakespeare wrote the fictional ending because he knew if he told the truth, he would soon be staring down the business end of a shuriken.

4. Leaning Tower of Pizza – Great Architectural wonder, my butt. A ninja was hired to kill this building and kicked it.

5. The Battle of Gettysburg – This was one of the most brutal battles in the Civil War with deaths from the North and the South numbering in the thousands. Well, the reality is that not one shot was fired by either side. Both armies gathered on either side of the battlefield, but there was one lone ninja in the center. Then some idiot yelled, “Hey doofus, get out of the way.” Well, the ninja went ape shit and started chopping until he could chop no more.

6. The Titanic – What makes more sense? A giant unsinkable ship broken in half by a giant piece of snow, or a giant unsinkable ship CUT in half by a lightning fast, razor sharp, sword wielded by a powerful ninja? Yeah, that whole iceberg theory is looking real dumb right now.

7. Bruce Lee – journalists want you to believe that he slipped in the tub after filming “Enter the Dragon.” Bruce Lee was a badass, and the only way to kill him was to hire a badder asser. His death had ninja written all over it. It is rumored the ninja was hired by Chuck Norris.

8. The Soviet Union – Ninjas don’t always kill with swords. Ronald Reagan hired a ninja in the 80s to stop the Cold War, and he did.

9. Unicorns – These single horned horses use to roam the Earth by the millions. Then the ninja council decided that these creatures were too gay looking and ordered them exterminated. It is rumored that the first pair of numchaku was built from two unicorn horns.

10. Adolph Hitler – Historians want you to believe he died of a self inflicted gun shot wound to the head. But what about the 50 shurikens found embedded in his back? Why 50? One for each star on the American Flag. The A-bomb wasn’t the only secret weapon the U.S. unleashed in WW2.